Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Breaking news:
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie