Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
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if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself