Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
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So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I enjoy a good short stor
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒