Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
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[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Stop.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.