Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
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why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Writing, She Murdered.