I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
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You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…