My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Living the best life.. 😊
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.