PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure