This is a fact based meme 😏😂
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
adding to the discourse
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”