People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
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Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
early stone age tool
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.