[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
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As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.