I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?