I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
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Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.