I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
He took my last fry, your honor
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.