I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
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I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Lmao 🤣
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized