My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
You Might Also Like
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*