*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Mad Max: Furry Road
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart