Well, this is awkward
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Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
These aren’t even hard anymore.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: