Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.