Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff