Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
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Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay