I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.