Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
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vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My new favorite headline
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm