As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
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Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
the only bumper sticker ill allow
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.