People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friendâs car is a convertible.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Dishwasher broke, so now Iâm washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, BobâŠwhat does it look like Iâm doing?
Neighbor: âŠurinating on my mailbox
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Me: Iâm older and wider
Them: donât you mean âwiserâ
Me: nope
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Donât say it donât say it donât say it donât say it donât say it donât say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. Whatâs up with you?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that arenât cargo?
đ„
Normally Iâm a curmudgeon who doesnât think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by âforces beyond [his] controlâ and itâs not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news⊠literally doing the ~~Iâm just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like Iâm a clueless little child
Wifi so slow at my parentâs house that we actually got to know each other better.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, âFOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.â
No one heard her.
Told my teen âI love youâ when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied âThank youâ
So if history has taught me anything, sheâs probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, âSee? This is why I chew the furniture.â
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean itâs 7am, why didnât you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?