My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I need a headline like this