I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
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I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.