Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*seductively corrects your posture*
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.