I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
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One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter