[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
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Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”