I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
You Might Also Like
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?