Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
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Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold