whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
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I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.