One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
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Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
the world’s most popular steaming services
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Sending in my taxes
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.