87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
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[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date