this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
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Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim