as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
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How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Going into Monday like
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.