Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
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“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
sugar glider wrangler
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas