ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
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If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection