When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
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If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand