“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
What’s this sorcery? 😂
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.