I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
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Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
#Caturday
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted