[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
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STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway