Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
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“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.