This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.