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Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
called in thicc to work this morning
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue