Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
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If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
this post was so formative to me
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My time has come.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”