I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
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Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
buys donuts instead
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.