Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
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My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”