“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
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I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.